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1. Do you and/or your partner get angry and resentful and feel unappreciated?
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2. Do you and/or your partner call names and continue to go round and round without
accomplishing anything?
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3. Do you and/or your partner withdraw and ignore each other in hopes that the other one
will know what you're angry and upset about?
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4. Do you feel like a volcano inside getting ready to erupt because of unexpressed feelings
and thoughts?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions there is a better
solution to
addressing those annoying behaviors or habits. You can express your feelings and
concerns without blaming, calling names or assassinating your partner's character.
First ask yourself "What do I want to accomplish in this conversation?" If you
don't really care about your relationship or care if you get to a constructive resolution
then continue your past negative habits.
If on the other hand you do care for your relationship and want to keep the
relationship on track and moving in a positive direction then use a NAME statement to
address the behavior. The NAME statement shows respect for your partner and is very
specific. This kind of communication puts the emphasis on what you see and what you
feel, not on blame toward your partner. The NAME
statement is explained below:
N -
name the specific behavior that you
find annoying
A - announce the specific setting
… time & place the behavior occurred
M - mention your reaction & the feeling it arouses in
you
E - explain and own your feelings
Example without a NAME statement: "You're such a slob. You always throw
your clothes on the floor and never pick them up."
Rephrased with a NAME statement: " When you throw your clothes on the floor
after you come home from work and don't pick them up, I feel frustrated and I feel
unappreciated for keeping the house neat."
Example without a NAME statement: "You never pay any attention to me. All
you do is watch TV and ignore me."
Rephrased with a NAME statement: "When you watch TV during dinner I feel left
out and lonely. I feel ignored and I feel you don't enjoy my company anymore."
The
NAME Statement can also be used to
give positive feedback
to your partner.
Example: "When you hugged and kissed me after you came in the door
from work today, I felt loved and happy." Or "When you suggested we go out to
dinner tonight after you came home from work, I felt appreciated and loved."
If you start taking responsibility for your own feelings
and reactions and stop pointing the finger, calling names or blaming your partner for your
feelings you will be a happier person.
Your self-esteem will improve and your relationship
will
improve. Also using a NAME statement to give positive feedback to your partner
will bring more satisfaction to yourself and your relationship.
Recent
research confirms that how a conversation is started determines how it
will
end. If you start by pointing the finger ("You…") or in any other negative way,
it will end negatively. If you choose to start positively (Using a NAME
statement and a soft tone of voice, for example.), you are much more likely to
have a positive conversation and a satisfactory outcome.
Please see articles:
Become a better Listener and
Filters and what to do about them
, Problem Solving 3 step guide and
Problems-What can I Say and Getting Off the Merry Go Round for
information on how to create change in your life and your relationships.
See our Recommended Reading List for Couples
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