Five Myths Continued
3. If you love me, you'll _______.Fill in the blank with what comes to mind. Some
popular ones are: …you'll change, know what I need, do what I want, give in,
and just trust me. This statement makes love conditional upon the other
person doing what you ask as a proof of their love. Such expectation of
conditional love is dangerous. There is a dark translation to this type of
expectation. What you are saying, in effect is, "I don't trust your love so you
better prove it to me now.", or "I don't care enough about you to consider your
feelings, wants, and needs. What I want is more important."
This type of statement can be a warning sign.
Demand and conditional love usually say more about the person making the
statement than about the recipient. It speaks to an unreasonable expectation
that may be motivated by a lack of care about the partner or by a personal lack
of self-esteem.
Expectations of "knowing what I need"
demand that your partner have the ability to mind-read. Since none of us have
this ability, you're asking for trouble from the start. The only way your
partner can know what you need, want, feel, or think is your telling them. Good
communication is a powerful tool for understanding.
On the other hand, it is not unreasonable to
have expectations of your partner in the relationship. How you voice them is
important. It's okay to say for example, "If our love is going to stay strong,
it's important to learn how to communicate better." It's not okay to say "If you
loved me, you'd understand me." The difference is that in the first, you are
owning your share of the relationship. You are not pointing the finger but,
rather, inviting an opportunity to learn and grow.
Sharing and creating mutual expectations and
boundaries is essential to creating a healthy relationship. Create them together
in a way that is consistent with your values and beliefs.
4. My mate will change.
Yes, they will and you have no control. The only person you can ever change is
yourself. People who expect that their mate will change in the direction that
they, personally, want after marriage are going to be very, very disappointed.
This is a relationship-killing expectation.
Be aware that the addictive behaviors of others
with alcohol, drugs, or other substances are outside your control. Your love
cannot cure this type of illness. This calls for professional intervention. You
may help your partner by making resources available and being supporting but it
is up to them to work through the disease. Organizations such as Alanon can
assist you if you are involved with an addictive personality.
Have you ever heard an engaged person say
something like this: "Well I know it's annoying when he/she just goes out with
their friends to play sports in the middle of the week but you know what, as
soon as we're married that's going to change."? Or "I know she runs around on me
now but once we're married, she'll change." Or "I know he drinks a lot but he'll
cut back once we're married." If you've heard it at all, you've just heard a
relationship-warning siren. Such demands are unreasonable, unwelcome, and
unlikely to succeed.
People change because they want to not because
you want them to. People entering marriage and committed relationships do change
some of the things they do. And all people change and grow as they age. But
people rarely change for the better when they are under pressure from someone
else…even a loved one. In a partnership, you work together to mutually create
the new relationship. It is a sharing process. Yes, it may have its painful
moments but you are both working together for the betterment of each other and
the relationship.
The strongest relationships are founded on the
commitment of two strong individuals who bring themselves to the relationship.
It means compromise, growth and change but it does not mean giving in to the
unreasonable demands of another. The article, Change and Grow has some
further insights on this subject.
5. I'll do my half.
There is no such thing as a truly
successful long-term marriage where each partner gives only their half (50%).
It's the terrible lie of the 50:50 marriage. The only truth is that our
expectations for a fairy tale marriage lead us down the road to disappointment,
disillusionment, and divorce.
"I've had it. You're selfish. If you really
loved me, you'd understand what I need. I've been giving and giving and I get
nothing in return. You don't give me what I want anymore. Maybe we should get
divorced." This conversation or others like it is held thousands of times per
day as over two million people in the United States decide that it's time to
divorce. After the mystical magic of today's glamorous weddings, these words
ring cold on the hard pain of disappointment.
No other thing that we do starts with so much
joy, optimism, and celebration and, all so often, ends in so much anger, fear,
and disappointment, as does the modern marriage. It doesn't have to be this way
but we have a difficult time seeing the alternatives. The truth will help you
create your role in a positive lifetime marriage.
The Truth:
Men and women are not equal. Thank God. We are different as individuals and, in
that difference, lies part of the answer to a happy marriage. What we choose to
do with those differences determines, perhaps more than love, what our
relationship will look like. And it's not a fifty-fifty deal. A truly happy and
lifetime marriage relationship is a seventy five: seventy five proposition
(75:75) and all marriages will have problems at some time. It's inevitable.
Differences and intimacy are a recipe for conflict.
By giving more than half, with
the faith that you are both committed to the same marriage team
and by communicating for understanding, with the goal of a winning marriage, you
can overcome the inevitable problems of creating a happy married life. You can
prosper and be happy when you each give seventy five percent to your marriage. When you know that your partner is contributing
more than their fair share, it's easier for you to do the same.
Even though the fairy tales aren't always
right, there can be a happy ending; a happy married life for those of you who
commit to giving more to your marriage. When you communicate for understanding,
and make your relationship a priority, you do have a chance of succeeding where
so many other millions have failed. Yes, it takes work. And that's part of the
secret to success within the seventy five percent solution. Working on your
relationship is a fulfilling labor of love.
See our Recommended Reading List for Couples
that covers more detail on this subject.
|
|
