Save
my Marriage
Most marriages will be unhappy at some time
Most
marriages will be unhappy at some time but they do not have to end in
divorce. The reality is that at some time or another during about three
quarters of all marriages one or both partners will be significantly
dissatisfied. That is the natural course of those relationships and not
an inevitable end. Many marriages recover as the husband and/or wife work
through the issues and move on. The good news is that there is a chance
to create a better relationship even from a marriage that is trouble.
Here is an example of a marriage in crisis:
I have
been married to my husband for 13 years. We have two children together,
ages 10 and 5. Although I find him physically attractive, I am not
interested in him sexually, nor do I enjoy his company. I simply go
through the motions of a happy relationship for my kids' sake. We seldom
argue, and I have sex with him when he asks for it, but there is no
passion (for me). He is satisfied with our relationship, although I know
he would like to have more sex. I often drink to excess to help myself
"get in the mood". I fantasize about leaving him, and what it would be
like to be free from him. I feel like a servant. I am unhappy. What
should I do? Signed: anad lexah
Creating a happy marriage
Contrary to popular belief, the first thing to learn and know about love
is that it takes ongoing work to keep love fresh and alive. The actors in
the movie Love Story may have said “Love means never having to say
you’re sorry.” but that is a sad departure from the truth. The closer
truth is “Love means investing in your relationship every day to keep it
fresh and alive.”
So,
what do you do if you find yourself unhappy in a marriage? We say that
you should try to fix it. Here are some of the elements that one might
use to rebuild.
Establish a desire to change the marriage
Left to
themselves relationships tend to pass from romance to close to distant to
apart. It takes awareness and effort to keep tuning up a relationship as
it and the individuals within it change in a changing world.
Dissatisfaction may be enough to establish a desire to change.
Unfortunately for many couples they go right from unhappiness and
dissatisfaction to a desire for divorce. Fortunately others realize that
maybe a less drastic and traumatic approach to change may be worthwhile.
The
reasons are not clear but women are more likely to be dissatisfied in a
marriage than men. Part of this may be due to the tendency for women to
be more in tune to their emotions and the tone and tenor of
relationships. So, ladies, you have the better opportunity to be the
early warning system and set a course for change before the relationship
wears down to dissension and separation.
If
things are not going the way of a happy relationship it may be time for
change. Consider what you want the relationship to be and establish new
personal and relationship goals. Read our article on
change.
Methods for changing a relationship
To
change the course of a relationship you must start by looking inward.
Change yourself first. Get off the
merry go round.
Many
times communication is the first thing that suffers in a relationship.
Here are a dozen
articles
on communication that can help you create a better communication
connection. Communication is the key to solving problems and the key to
creating a close and happy relationship that can withstand the tests that
life gives us all.
In this
case, excessive alcohol abuse may be an indication of loneliness. Try
fixing the loneliness by reconnecting with yourself and your husband. You
may want to develop more outside interests to feel better about yourself.
Building one’s self-esteem and sense of self-satisfaction can be a
stepping stone to feeling better about one’s relationships. If the
alcohol continues to be a problem consider AA as a resource.
A new romantic fantasy
The
reality of married adult life rarely matches the fantasies leading up to
the marriage. Romance and weddings may be picture perfect but life is
usually not. One key is to not dwell on the disappointment of not having
the crystal slipper and the prince but to focus on the good things that
you do have.
You
will get more in life of those things that you concentrate on.
Concentrate on the bad and that is all you will see. Concentrate on the
good and what you want and that is what you can achieve. If you want more
connection, create it by communicating in a positive way. Create more
opportunities such as family meals that encourage together time. Go on
dates – yes, dates. Make the time and create the mood you want. It may
take some practice but practice makes perfect.
If you
want more love, express more love. Let your partner know you love them
and let them know what they can do to express their love. Few people are
taught how to love. Try some of the ideas at
http://www.positive-way.com/expressing_love.htm Here are
fourteen ways to rekindle romance.
Marriage resources
The Positive Way site
has hundreds of pages of resources for you and, of course, we recommend
that couples consider counseling, PREP, Marriage Encounter and other
resources that may be found on our links page.
Rebuilding a marriage
Great
relationships are built one kind word at a time. It may have taken years
for a troubled relationship to be created so we believe that it is worth
spending the time to try to create a new and better relationship from the
old one. Divorce should be the last resort unless you are in an
abusive relationship in which case
we say that you should leave and get professional help immediately.
We all
want to be understood and appreciated for who we are. The ideal marriage
partners support one another in achieving this goal. They strive to
support and sustain themselves, each other and the relationship.
So in
a nutshell, our advice is to use all the available resources you can to
rebuild your happiness and to reconnect and redirect your marriage
relationship to where you, your children and your husband are happy and
fulfilled.
Here
are some great books to help rebuild relationships. |
