The great husband and wife power debate is
missing its mark. There has been some sensational reporting and
discussion that obscures the point of Dr. Gottman's findings as reported
in the Journal of Marriage and the Family. While I don't pretend to
speak for Dr. Gottman, I have reviewed the paper thoroughly and
participated in a telephone conference with Dr. Gottman on the subject
when he elaborated on and clarified some of the key points. It's not
about power; it's about respect.
As to the hot topic of influence, the report
states "Our data suggest that only newlywed men who accept influence
from their wives are winding up in happy and stable marriages." The
question then is what does "accepting influence," mean. It is not
defined as the husband taking a weak or subservient role but rather in
terms of the husband recognizing and accepting what his wife has to say.
Gottman said that actions that show acceptance are simple things such as
engaging in give and take, finding a common ground on issues, and
acknowledging with a statement like "You have a point." These are
behaviors that one expects to see between two people who share fondness
and respect for one another and work as a team in a positive way to
maintain a good relationship.
Some of the additional reported
findings include the following. How ever a discussion starts so it will
end. If it starts out negative it will end up negative and that is often
destructive to relationships. How the couple addresses their differences
is important. Those that can work through their differences in a
positive way with minimal stonewalling or escalation to higher level
arguments are more likely to be happy in the relationship. Dangerous
behaviors such as belligerence and defensiveness are less prevalent in
good relationships. Maintaining a ratio of at least
five positive actions (e.g.
laughing, a kind touch, support) for every negative (e.g. a harsh word,
withdrawing, nasty look) is predictive of stability. Friendship and
respect are vital for happy relationships. This all sounds like common
sense but one may ask where it all is today with our 50%+ divorce rate.
The bad news today is that couples don't
necessarily know how to create and maintain their relationships. The
good news, however, is that they can learn. Dr. Gottman and others are
showing us that.
