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Loving That Two-Letter Word
"Women say "yes" out of fear rather than "no" out of love." Suze Orman
Suze's catchphrase roams our consciousness, thanks to Oprah and the Internet. I thought I was comfortable with that two-letter word till I took a life inventory.
For years I dodged the voice that said, "Eat, write, love" because I was so busy in the ultimate of service professions, teaching. No regrets about that vocation ? yet let me sniff out my typically female pattern. My first publications were educational, helping teachers help others. Then when I married and became a stepmom, I took on the roles with gusto. I aimed to razzle-dazzle with gifts and food and fun-packed schedules while working fulltime. Usually by the end of my stepson's visit, I was flat on my back with cold or flu. I finally realized what this sound and fury was really about -- me feeling good about me. In the meantime, guess what lay fallow? My writing! A great day came when I told my husband I needed space. He understood. After all, he has a similar mantra. That's how a guy masters six instruments and produces two critically-acclaimed albums.
Saying "no" means saying hello to wants, needs, and boundaries. For centuries women have ignored such urges: wants meant "Wantonness!"; needs meant "Neediness!"; and "boundaries," "Bound and determined to piss people off!" 21st century America charms us into thinking such oppression ancient. Not so fast.
It's not that women are saints - we're as selfish as the next male, vegetable, or mineral but we are trained to derive pleasure from serving. Altruism reaps huge rewards. Make a child smile, make a partner radiant, and make your boss look good, and you feel good. We love to see our people happy. So yes slips right off the tongue.
But didn't Virginia Wolff and the last century teach us, "A woman must have money and a room of her own,." How can this call to self still be Guys Only?
To get the cash and the corner, you have to get comfortable with "no." Some women avoid "no" because it means independence. A private room means a door closed on responsibilities and time alone. Meanwhile, the cat's meow, the dirty dishes, a child's complaint compete with passions, be they soccer, singing, carpentry, or any time where we drive the agenda.
We also have to also admit definition by biology. Women are wired to be great multi-taskers. That doesn't always make for great concentration on the self. The guilt of laundry vibrates in the back of your mind like a heap of uranium, slowly breaking down the will with invisible rays. Guilt says, "How selfish. Start a load while you knit-play-sing. Squeeze passion into spare time. Full time is for others."
If you take the big step of no, sometimes people will complain. You've changed the rules. Before you took steps to a certain beat; now you're switching from fox trot to tango. One year when I changed jobs and got married, I lost friends. One wanted my help the weekend of my honeymoon; another wanted me to be her only rock during one of the busiest weeks of my life. There was a shifting of tectonic plates, and when the dust cleared, I had a smaller circle of confidantes, ones who understand I sometimes have to say no.
But habits die hard. When I turned 40, a friend offered me a gift - a plane ticket. She looked so happy. I immediately said yes. As I drove home, something didn't feel right. I'd said yes out of fear she'd be disappointed.
I asked myself what I really wanted. I wanted to stay far from security check-ins, expensive water, and recycled air. I wanted to save money. I wanted to be at home with those I love, including her. I told her that, and imagine this: she understood. Why had I been so afraid to hurt her feelings? If she's a true friend -- and she is -- she would get that my birthday was a time for what I wanted, and it was my choice to make.
The word "no" has transformed our family budget: it created our first savings account and paid off our credit card. We live without the nagging fear of debt swallowing us up; by saying no early, we can say yes with much more enjoyment now. Things we save for carry so much more meaning.
No surprise, it's a man's advice I post near my computer:
"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage " pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically " to say "no" to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger "yes" burning inside. The enemy of the "best" is often the "good."
Stephen Covey gets how we are driven by the desire to be good which is great as long as the self is not lost. What's best to pursue is "to thine own self be true."
Note Covey talks about a yes that burns -- powerful and passionate, the flip side of a golden coin. Saying it is not just a decision to speak a word, rational mind over maternal matter; it's about a shift in orientation and perception, bright as sunlight breaking through clouds, potent as the surge of high tide.
It might take years to master the art of yes and no. I feel lucky to live in an era where many women's voices are heard and no can be said with less scandal. I first taught myself the word in a self-defense workshop and now I school myself in saying it places where there should be little fear.
I don't want to be self-oriented but self-aware. Saying no can be a nurturing, positive act. Say it gently, and I keep on that path that leads to happy.
This article won 10th place in the 2009 Positive Way Relationship and Development Contest.
Written by Lyn H.
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